When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

Jason · Only in cartoons

fmylife.com goodness

Jason · Only in cartoons

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

BAHAHAHAHAHA

Awkward Smile · Inconsiderate Hardcore Lesbian

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

Awkward Smile · Inconsiderate Hardcore Lesbian

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

Awkward Smile · Inconsiderate Hardcore Lesbian

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

MorisUkunRasik · World's Strongest Millionaire

BUWAHAH

john31584 · Zinc Saucier

Awkward Smile wrote:

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

That's what you get for leaving the house in sweatpants.

Pizza · Sheriff of Paddy's

Seriously.

Jason · Only in cartoons

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself "what the hell is solid water??". Then I heard my little cousin say "ice". I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

Pizza · Sheriff of Paddy's

HAHAHAHA OH SHIT

Dexter · Worst Poster of Always

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

Dexter · Worst Poster of Always

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

Today, I was shopping for my little sister's birthday. She loves manga. I've never read manga, so I bought a couple of novels from the "popular" shelf. Turns out if they have white covers it means they are "adult" books. I bought my sister a "lolicon" manga - filled with prebuscent naked girls. FML

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

Pizza · Sheriff of Paddy's

Dexter wrote:

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

That doesn't sound real.

Awkward Smile · Inconsiderate Hardcore Lesbian

Agreed.

pumpkinpjs · Tits and Grits

when my brother was really little he said he wanted to be a butterfly when he grows up. cutest. ever.

Ozpunker · Senior Member

Today, my husband and I were having sex when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

Ozpunker · Senior Member

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

Jason · Only in cartoons

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriends car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice, we were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes she asked me "Has anyone ever seen you take a ****?". She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

Pizza · Sheriff of Paddy's

Ozpunker wrote:

Today, my husband and I were having sex when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

HAHAHAHAHAHAH OH MY GOD

Jason · Only in cartoons

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

That last one is golden. Oh, how the failures of others enrich my soul.